Two Lesbian Princesses
by Clayton Overstreet
Summary: Lesbian Fairy Tale Jokes.


These are from my upcoming book "Lesbian Princesses &amp; Friends" which contains many… many….many more of these.

Two Lesbian Princesses

A Comedy

By, C.D. Overstreet

Princess: Father the princess from the kingdom next door says she thinks the reason I keep turning away suitors is because I'm a lesbian.

King: How dare she? That's a terrible rumor to start about someone! I am going to have her banished from the kingdom!

Princess: Do you have to? I think she's kind of cute.

000

Princess: There's something about you that attracts me, but I can't put my finger on it.

Other Princess: I'll let you know when you do.

000

Queen: Dear I am now certain that our daughter is sleeping with that other princess.

King: How can you be so sure?

Queen: Because I took her favorite crown two weeks ago and she still hasn't found it.

King: That doesn't mean anything. Maybe it's just taking her a while.

Queen: I hid it in her own bed.

King: Oh.

000

Princess: How do I know you're a real princess?

Other Princess: I can pee through thirty mattresses

Princess: …

Other Princess: What?

Princess: You're either doing something very wrong… or very right.

000

Princess: All of the kisses and back rubs are great, but when do you think we can go all the way?

Other Princess: Ten

Princess. Ten what? Ten dates? Ten weeks? Ten months?

Other Princess: Nine… eight… seven…

000

Princess: You have the cleanest vagina I've ever seen!

Other Princess: I have the maids in four times a week.

000

Sleeping Beauty: You know those two lesbian princesses are kind of hot.

Prince: Hey!

Sleeping Beauty: Sorry.

Prince: I guess gay marriage is a threat to traditional marriage. Ours anyway.

000

Princess: I saw the royal physician today and I owe you an apology.

Other Princess: Why? What was wrong?

Princess: I had strange green spots on the inside of my legs so I went to him to see what was wrong.

Other Princess: What did he say?

Princess: Well first he asked to see my sex organs. So I showed him my finger and my tongue. This caused a little confusion. Especially when he asked if I was sexually active and then asked how I could be certain I was not pregnant. After a little explaining we got it all sorted out and he diagnosed my problem. It isn't good.

Other Princess: What is it? What's wrong?

Princess: Those earrings I bought you last week aren't real gold after all.

000

Snow White: So have you ever been in love with a prince?

Princess: Once, but it didn't work out. I suggested he become a doctor.

Snow White: Why?

Princess: Because when we were together I didn't feel a thing.

Snow White: I once fell in love with Prince Charming when he kissed me and woke me up from an enchanted death-like sleep from inside a glass coffin. Lately though I find he kind of creeps me out.

Princess: It sounds pretty romantic. What's the problem?

Snow White: I've started to wonder how many times he did that before he got around to me.

000

Princess: Did you hear about the emperor's new clothes?

Other Princess: Oh yes! I hear he looked absolutely ridiculous!

Princess: I could not stop laughing when they told me. Why didn't anyone say anything?

Other Princess: I heard he also hired the same tailors to outfit the empress and all of the maids in the castle.

Princess: …

Princess: What were the names of those tailors again?

Other Princess: Oh come on, nothing could replace the fabulous dresses we already have.

Princess: Exactly what I was thinking!

000

Princess: Daddy! Some pervert stole my chamber pot!

King: Do you know who?

Princess: No, I've got nothing to go on.

000

Princess: I thought dryads were rare, but there must be a dozen in that grove outside your castle.

Other Princess: I know. I had them planted there when I was a teenager.

Princess: Why?

Other Princess: I have a thing for copse.

000

Witch: So what's it like being the godmother of two lesbian princesses? Does that mean you have to grant twice as many wishes?

Fairy Godmother: Not really. They dress each other, they give each other jewelry, they always have a date to the ball, and if one of them needs a carriage the other one picks her up in hers. Once I refused to turn all the men in the kingdom to women, give all of the women H-cup breasts, or hand out love potions they pretty much left me alone.

Witch: What's the downside?

Fairy Godmother: I'm supposed to magically produce their heir some day.

Witch: You can do that? Just wave your wand and make children appear?

Fairy Godmother: Sure. Can't you?

Witch: No. I tried to adopt once, but it didn't work out.

Fairy Godmother: What happened?

Witch: I made a mistake at the interview. They got upset when I came up to the window with a bottle of ketchup and ordered the kids to go.

Fairy Godmother: That'll happen.

Witch: I tried pretending they were discriminating against me because I'm gay, but that didn't work either.

Fairy Godmother: Is that your subtle way of letting me know you're a lesbian?

Witch: Yes. Want to go back to my place? I've got a vibrating magic wand.

Fairy Godmother: I thought you'd never ask.

Witch: (Beckons with her finger) Come this way.

Fairy Godmother: I'm three hundred and eleven years old. If I could still come that way I wouldn't need you or the vibrating wand.

000

Prince: Fairy godmother, the princess I was supposed to marry is a lesbian. Can't you fix it so that she falls in love with me?

Fairy Godmother: Certainly! Abracadabra!

The Princess formerly known as Prince: This isn't what I had in mind!

000

Princess: At church today the preacher said that in the afterlife lesbians go down below are chained up together for all eternity and whipped.

Other Princess: What happens if we're bad?

000

King: All you do is have sex! Don't you two know what good clean fun is?

Princesses: No, what good is it?

000

Princess: Aren't the stars lovely this evening?

Other Princess: I'm not in a position to say. But I have a great view of Uranus...

000

Princess: Father, my room was visited last night by the ghost of a beautiful woman!

The King: What did you do?

Princess: The other princess and I got sheet faced!

000

Princess: What kind of flesh are my girlfriend and I allowed to eat on Fridays?

Priest: None!

Sister Agnes: Oh thank god, that's such a relief to know!

Other Princess: She was afraid we'd done something wrong.

000

Princess: Good news! I think that cute girl Sleeping Beauty might be gay. I heard from her maid that she and her prince have been doing it doggy style every night.

Other Princess: How does that make her gay?

Princess: He sits up and begs while she rolls over and plays dead. She says he'll get with her again over her dead body.

Other Princess: How romantic! Not many couples can keep their relationship just like it was before they were married.

000

Fairy Godmother: Take your earrings off, they're scratching my thighs.

Witch: Put your glasses on, you're licking the mattress.

000

Princess: You remind me of my favorite fairy tale.

Other Princess: Why is that?

Princess: It's the story of the Dutch girl who stuck her finger the crack of a leaking dyke.

Other Princess: I love that story!

Princess: My favorite part is the climax.

000

Princess: Do you remember the first time you rode in a carriage over cobblestones?

Other Princess: Yes. When I was younger I came that way all the time.

Princess: Me too.

000

Princess: Did you hear about the virgin who was seduced by Zeus in the form of a golden shower and got pregnant?

Other Princess: No. Do tell.

Princess: Nobody could figure out what had gotten into her.

000

Princess: Father I just hired the seven dwarves' sister as a maid. Prince Charming fired her and Snow White asked if I could take her on.

King: What did he fire her for?

Princess: He caught her sticking her nose into his wife's business.

King: Aren't you afraid the same thing will happen to you?

Princess: No. I always hide behind the drapes when he shows up.

000

Princess: What do you think is the difference between a straight princess and a lesbian princess?

Other Princess: In my experience, three drinks and a back rub.

000

Princess: I invited Rapunzel over for a slumber party.

Other Princess: Isn't she really a man in drag? I mean cute sure but… you know. She's hung like a race horse.

Princess: No, that's just a rumor that got started because she braids her long and curlies. It gives her that unfortunate lump at the front.

Other Princess: Oh, like how they say that when you talk pearls fall from your lips and tongue.

Princess: Well they do. You've told me to shut up and keep licking a dozen times.

Other Princess: True. Can she use that braid like I'm hoping?

Princess: If we twist it right. There's another benefit to sleeping with Rapunzel too. The last time I went to the dentist he gave me an extra big sucker.

Other princess: Why?

Princess: He was very impressed with how well I flossed.

000

Sultan: What are you doing in the seraglio with my harem?!

Princess: You aren't going to believe this, but not thirty seconds ago I was standing next to a wishing well in a kingdom two thousand miles from here—

000

Dwarf Maid: How did you end up working for the princesses?

Other maid: Well I used to work in a kitchen and for the longest time I had this urge to stick my face into the potato slicer. Every day the urge got stronger and stronger until I finally did it.

Dwarf Maid: Didn't that hurt?

Other Maid: Not at all. It was wonderful. But I did get fired for doing it. So did the potato slicer. She's working here now too.

000

Princess: When did you realize you first liked women?

Other Princess: When I fell in love with my tutor. I told her I was in love with her she admitted that she had been with women before, but she didn't want a child.

Princess: What did you do?

Other Princess: I was a little naïve and did not want to give up on her that easily, so I said that if that was her problem we could use a condom.

Princess: That's inconceivable!

Other Princess: That's what I thought, but it turns out that word doesn't mean what I thought it did! So I told her I'd do anything she wanted. She told me to study.

000

Queen: You can hear those two princesses down the hall going at it. Remember when we used to do that?

King: Sure I do.

Queen: Let's try it and see if we can keep up.

King: Okay.

(Later)

Queen: They're doing it again! Come on sweetie!

King: Okay.

(Later)

Queen: They're still at it!

King: One moment. (Walks to his daughter's room and bangs on the door) Knock it off! You're killing me!

000

Prince Charming: What are you two doing with my wife?!

Snow White: See? I told you he wouldn't know.

000

Young Prince: Daddy, I passed by my big sister's room and saw her with the other princess.

King: I knew this day would come. I suppose you have questions.

Young Prince: Uh huh. How come she can do that, but I'm not allowed to suck my thumb?

000

Princess: Mother, do you think this dress the other princess gave me is too low cut?

Queen: That depends dear. Do you have a patch of curly hair on your chest?

Princess: Of course not!

Queen: Then yes, it's too low cut.

000

Princess: Snow White is singing that sad song again.

Other Princess: You mean "One day my prince will come"?

Princess: That's the one. I hope that eventually she will learn, it takes more than two hundred muscles to fake an orgasm and only a dozen to say "It's a clit and it's right there, you moron!"

000

Maid: What do you like best about the princess?

Dwarf Maid: The way her hair smells. (Think about it…)

000

Princess: Father I had sex with my girlfriend ten times today and then we made love to a dozen laundresses and after that to six of the most beautiful maids in the castle.

Priest: This is outrageous! What kind of Catholic woman are you?

Princess: I'm not really, but I had to tell _someone_!

000

Princess: When you were in bed with prince Charming did you ever fake an orgasm?

Snow White: Oh… my… god! Yes! Yes! Oh god YES!

000

King: A terrible dragon is terrorizing the countryside and abducting women!

Princess: Don't worry father, we can handle it!

King: You think you can slay the beast?

Other Princess: Absolutely!

King: Then go and do your best.

(One Week Later)

King: I said to SLAY the dragon! Not LAY the dragon!

Princess: Are you kidding? She has a six foot tongue!

Other Princess: And trust us, those ladies she rescused are much happier where they are!

Princess: Before we go back we're going to need to bring an air hose. I ran out of breath way before we got deep enough to reach her G-spot!

Other Princess: I'll head to the armory and get a new training lance.

King: Training lance?

Other Princess: Those are the ones with the big leather bag over the tip right? Or do you have any of those with a big fist on the end they use for tournaments?

000

Princess: You've been getting into a lot of fights lately.

Other Princess: I'm collecting teeth.

Princess: Why?

Other Princess: Bait. Our fairy godmother told me the Toothfairy is really hot.

000

Sister Agnes: Last night the two lesbian princesses found me in the garden, threw me to the ground, and made wicked love to me all night long. We must have committd a dozen different sins! Can you give me penance?

Priest: Go and eat a lemon.

Sister Agnes: Will that cleanse my soul?

Priest: No, for that you have to repent. But it will wipe that smile off your face.

000

Princess: What's is "clit" short for again?

Other Princess: It's… it's on the tip of my tongue…

000

Princess: What are you eating?

Other Princess: A gingerbread girl.

Princess: Yum, I love those.

Other Princess: Yeah. It's just too bad they crumble when they get wet.

000

Princess: Any chance we can hook up with Cinderella?

Other Princess: Sorry. She only likes guys who have big balls.

Princess: What about her stepmother and stepsisters?

Other Princess: The last I heard they were suffering from the black plague and Hepatitis-C because someone was keeping pigeons, rats and mice as pets and feeding them from the kitchen.

000

Papa Bear: Someone has been sleeping in my bed!

Mama Bear: Someone has been sleeping in my bed!

Baby Bear: Someone has been sleeping in my bed, and she's still there!

Goldilocks: I am so sorry. I was supposed to be meeting these two princesses… I think I got lost. Can anyone point me in the right direction?

Mama Bear: Sure I know where that is. I can take you.

Goldilocks: Thank you so much!

Mama Bear: It happens all the time. Also for future reference, my bed is the middle one.

(Five minutes later)

Baby Bear: Are you and Mama getting a divorce?

Papa Bear: No son, your mama and I are just fine. We have what's known as an "Open Marriage".

000

Princess: Where did you get the thigh high lace up skank boots? It wasn't that guy who sold us those magic red dancing shoes that almost killed me was it?

Other Princess: You looked stunning in those and I thought they would just make you a better stripper, but no. I bought these off of a cat with a footwear fetish. He said they weren't him.

Princess: They are definitely you! I love how they look like they were made to frame your puss… hey, how about we go to that castle with those twelve princesses who love to pole dance in nothing but slippers and show them off?

Other Princess: You just want to see me pull a train with them in these boots.

Princess: Of course I do. It's so cute when you are getting into it and start chanting, "I think I can! I think I can! I think I can!"

000

Red Riding Hood: Oh princess, what a long tongue you have!

Princess: All the better to eat you with my dear.

Other Princess: Wow, a grandmother who wears crotchless lingerie under her nightgown? Oh grandmother, what big high breasts you have! And what a tight wet… wow! You are a total GMILF!

Grandma: Tee hee! Thank you. I keep in shape and like to feel pretty. Nothing does that like having a pretty young girl drool over you. Red and I used to have a wolf come by and eat us all the time but she hasn't been by since she turned straight and ran off to blow some pigs.

Red Riding Hood: She told us that if the brick house was rocking, don't come knocking. My mother warned me about wolves like her. Gone as soon as they get into your basket and eat your goodies.

Grandmother: She would know, but what woman doesn't love the feel of a fur coat on her skin?

Princess: Remind us to introduce you to a big butch bear we know who likes it when you call her Mama. I think you'd look good in a teddy.

000

Snow White: Prince Charming and I are getting a divorce. He's even writing a book.

Princess: What's it called?

Snow White: _The Lying, The Bitch, and the Wardrobe._

000

Princess: What should we do tonight?

Other Princess: I feel like eating out.

000

Priest: First you dally with those two princesses and now you are pregnant! How did this happen?

Sister Agnes: Well you were drinking the sacramental wine and I was dressed as an altar boy for my date with the girls…

Priest: Oh. Um… oops… sorry.

000

Princess: We should get a place of our own.

Other Princess: Good idea. Here's a listing… how about this one? Used to belong to a giant.

Princess: Nah, from the look of it it would be a terrible commute and the last owner died tripping over his front porch and falling three miles. Besides you have to think scale and I'm pretty sure that's a ten foot wide rat trap in the picture.

Other Princess: This one seems nice. Big dungeons. Needs TLC…

Princess: That means you have to clean out the iron maiden and other torture devices yourself. They can be fun if used the right way but it's never worth the work cleaning them if they are pre-owned. My grandfather bought a castle from the estate of a guy who killed seven of his wives and it was an absolute mess!

Other Princess: This one has a golden castle for half price…

Princess: That means it's either cursed or impossible to get to. Trust me, nobody sells a golden castle for half price unless there's something monumentally wrong with it. I knew a guy who sold the same castle fourteen times because everyone who went in died and couldn't lay claim to it afterwards.

Other Princess: Hmm. This kingdom looks inexpensive. Low crime rate. Small population.

Princess: That's because the neighboring kingdom routinely comes in to pillage and rape everyone!

Other Princess: I know, but it says here the neighboring kingdom is ruled by Amazons.

Princess: How much are they asking?

000

Princess: I've had it up to here with you!

Other Princess: I know, but I'm telling you if you use a little more lube and effort you could get all the way to the elbow!

000

Prince: I know you two aren't ever going to love me, but is there any chance you might consider a three-way?

Princess: Sure, let's just check our schedule.

Other Princess: We have an opening some time between When Hell Freezes Over and When Monkeys Fly Out of My Ass. Should we pencil you in?

000

Princess: If you want to have some real fun then you should come with me to Baba Yaga's house.

Other Princess: Why?

Princess: Well they say that if you want to do sexy you use a feather. If you want to do kinky you use a whole chicken. And if you want to be really freaky… well her whole house is on giant chicken legs. You do the math.

000

Mrs. Claus: Oh no! You aren't here to steal Christmas are you?

Princess: No, we just want Santa's naughty list.

Other Princess: Specifically the girls.

000

Witch: I don't get it. Everyone wishes they had a fairytale wedding. Then I crash the party and lay one curse on the kingdom and suddenly I'm the bad guy!

000

Princess: I have solved all of our kingdom's tax problems.

Other Princess: How?

Princess: A funny little man just spent three nights spinning tons of straw into four huge rooms full of gold for me.

Other Princess: Why did he do that?

Princess: He said that in exchange he would return and take my first born child.

Both: HAHAHAHAHAHA!

000

**Wendy Darling: If God didn't want me to be a lesbian, he wouldn't have filled the ocean with topless mermaids.**


End file.
